The Odd

The Odd : Against the World that wants more, not different.

Lately I've been thinking so much about myself. Nah, not in the kind of all-about-yourself, self-centered, self-individualistic way but you know, you need to know about yourself first before you figure out what you’re gonna do. And there’s been plenty of medium that leads me to that, praises to God.

It’ll be exactly one year that I left my former company on this June 28^th. I've been there for like 13 months, almost 2 years. 2 years that filled with almost everything. Laughter and tears, happiness and sorrows. Tensions and pressures. Love and hatred. But there was one thing that I never did realize until I left. I never knew myself and who or what kind of person or what kind of career path I wanted to be. You know, life and surroundings really keep on pushing and pulling that they blind you from seeing what’s right or wrong, for you. Not for them. Speaking of what right and what wrong, there are things in this life that have the definite black and white. There’s clear line that separates the two. But much more things that aren’t clearly that way. And when you didn't even know who you are and what are you gonna do with your life, you let everyone and everything around you to drag you along their way.

You just wanted to be on their path, not on the path, you know. Once you were there, you stop asking whether it’s right or wrong for you. We live in a world that favors majority, I get it. But what majority tells? They want more and more but not something different from what really have been existed. That’s why many left the company when there’s better salary offer. So after all, we’re after money. Some would went to almost any company as long as the offers are higher. And repeat the same pattern after a few years, after finding a new place. Yeah, I know. We live in a world which everything needs money, but money is not everything. Again, that’s just might be me to think that way. And as people say, it’s easier said than done. Oh yeah, that makes me an illusionist!

So what are we wrote in the CV after we quit one job? ‘To expand my horizon’, ‘To gain more experience’ sort of things right? Oh pardon my English, my limited and narrowed vocabularies not gonna help my resume get fancied with words. And I can’t even convince the interviewer in every interview session unless they’re very desperate or have the urgency in replacing the suddenly emptied position. People don’t want a person like me, you know. I’m below their average, I got it. And yeah, that’s because I lied too. I lied in the CV. I don’t even want to be in that company, I don’t even want to be in the position you offered. So why am I here?

Because, people expect me to be one of them. The existing ones. Just, more. Not, different. You see? That’s the concept of ‘majority’.

We live in the world that adores majority. The more the merrier they said. But those ‘more’ is like identical in some or other way. It’s hard when you’re different. The odd. People hate it when you’re odd. It’s like no place for this kind of people. More like, alien, a threat, a danger. They smell destruction in your presence. Hence, you received the email. ‘We are sorry to inform that you have failed the interview. Please keep in touch for available positions in the future. We pray for your success and good luck’ or something alike.

Well. I graduated from one of the top ten universities in Japan four years ago. So what? Yeah, a degree scroll in my hand after like, liters of tears and sweats poured. Things never were easy for me since birth, but really I’m not gonna talk about that. Then when you’re back from an oversea university with an engineering degree, people expect you to have a job that in the currency here holds at least 4 digits, with the starting number at least 2 at the most front. Yeah, some even delusional saying that I’d get 3. Oh yeah? Just because we went to oversea? We got plenty of life experiences back there, plenty. You never guessed what I’ve been through in that miserable 5 and a half years, a life’s like hell on earth yet when I’m here I keep talking about that the goodness of that country. Yeah that’s because the country has done nothing wrong to me, but the people and the surroundings and the environments. The major, there’s no one to blame but me. But do we have experiences in the job field that we’re going to do now? None. That’s why we’re called fresh graduates. Only hiring companies do know that. They’re afraid to hire people like me who’re gonna risks them to pay more but non-experienced. They could get any local graduate and pay lower.

So what happened? I just went to any interview the job agency has arranged for me. I failed big time on my first interview. Reason? I took too long time to answer one question, that reflects me as a person with NO CONFIDENCE in myself. Yeah, half of the time I’m a hesitant and the other half I’m just being me, a deep thinker. But what’s the reality in it? I wasn’t ready. Fine, the second interview. I got an email telling me the company is ready to hire me within few hours after the interview. The questions were simple and the interviewers were friendly. I feel like I was already one of them during the interview session. And I said yes to the offer. There me, went to the company and hired as assistant engineer. The company doesn't offer much allowance so my basic started with 2 and they’re 4 digits, of course. But there’s not much endurance in me and I didn't like what I’m doing there so I quit within 3 months. What a shame! But there weren't so many knew what’s really going on in that 3 months.

It was my first job and I wasn't like any others who have huge family supports, especially in finance. My savings were just enough for me to survive in the few weeks before I got hired. I spent most on transportation and other things in preparations for the need to relocate. Because I never received a penny from parents since I’m 18. Dad bought me my favorite food sometimes, Mom let me share the foods she cooked but not a penny. I totally lived on my own money and I hardly asked them for any other form of help unless they offered. I’m a stubborn kid to others, but really more of suffer-alone-in-silence type back then.

I still don’t own a transport, hence I have to stay in the company hostel, originally provided for operators. The hostel, was actually a 2 1/2 story, shared by 12 persons. 4 persons per room, equipped with double decker and lockers. Mattresses were provided, others you have to buy. And the hostel was like 15 minutes from the company and the bus will pick us up according to operator’s working time, not to the staffs like me (I’m the only staff sharing hostel with operators, though). Operators working time starts at 7.30, they will invade their lines in like, 15 minutes earlier, for quality assurance and for not rushing the operators in the night shift. But for staffs like me, our working time starts at 8.30. Can you see the gap there? So what time is the bus? The bus usually came 5 minutes before 6.00. I usually woke up at 4.30 because we’re sharing one bathroom for 8 people. You don’t want to rush and drop everything you touch in that early mornings and make noises. Seriously, I hate it. I’d rather wake up early, got myself in the uniform and just lie down for a few minutes after I got everything ready. Yeah, I’m an introvert that hates ‘surprise’ on the day. We tried to limit all the unwelcomed and unwanted for such possibilities as much as we could. 

So that routine continues for a little while until I happened to know a friend who lives nearby and willing to pick me up to work everyday. Thanks to her, I can actually wake up at 5.30 when most of the roommates already in their uniform and left the room for breakfast. By 6.30 I almost done, but I’d slow down and do everything in peace. I’d drink a cup of milk or have a bite of biscuit while listening to mp3 on my laptop while waiting for my friend.

It was only a month that I worked there before December came. What do we have in December? I’d rather not to remember Christmas, because it’s only one day break. Some of us are doing overtime on that day. Yeah, double pay on public holiday. It’s the year-end bonus that we’re talking here. I was totally unqualified for the bonus, I got it. I just enjoyed looking at the big smiles plastered on every faces as soon as the torn paycheck revealed its contents. Everyone’s asking each other about the numbers and some even analyzing and calculating the amount. Interesting huh? In that instant, when it comes to money, you've got to see the true face of human. I opened mine as well, checked if the basic is properly there and oppps! What is there? I got something too. Not much but not that bad. I thought I was lucky. And it seemed like even my superior and bosses didn't even know how much I got. My philosophy is quite simple. Expect less from others so you learned to appreciate and be grateful when they offer or give more. Instead, you ought to give and offer more to others, though.

Honestly, I started having a talking minds as early as two weeks after I got in there. I don’t know. Maybe I wasn't expecting that I would hear so much complaints during our lunch time, sometimes even at the breakfast table. You know what, machines are complicated but humans are the most. I can’t blame anyone. Especially when I’m in the middle of the two parties in the war. We keep reminding ourselves that wherever we go, there’ll be the same situations, there will be those who gonna spoiled your mood as early as you sipped your morning coffee into your mouth and that sour face gonna linger till 5.30 pm. Rough days, better days intertwining each other and that’s part of our working lives. You won’t be minding it much if you have such a passion in what you’re doing and you know where you’re going to with that passion. You lead yourself into your passion and you won’t let those tiny little things get in your way. You’re tough against situations. One minute you’ll cry, one minute you’ll mad and in the next you already proceed to the next step. That’s for those who’re certain. Unfortunately I wasn't.

And the amount stated in the paycheck isn't the problem. Not encouraging me either. Seriusly, the pay never was the problem since the very beginning. But as I said, people need reasons, mostly excuses. For everything. Every decision. So I felt something wrong in me being there. I don’t even know if I’m living or dying there. I got plenty of friends back then. We could laugh like mad persons and that could continue for hours. I had shoulders to cry on, that kind of person that I trusted enough there. But no, we didn't go to work to laugh with coworkers, you know. No matter how nice your colleagues are, are you gonna live someone else’s lives? I didn't go in there for anyone’s sake in the first place. And I chose not to stay for anyone else too. It’s all because of me. Oh yeah, I made myself sound so selfish there. But that’s the truth right?

So I didn’t write the reason I’m quitting my first job in my resignation letter. Instead, I was called for negotiation. A little talk, they said. There I was asked why I wanted to quit. They wanted to know the reason. Oh I couldn't give the honest reason that I’m quitting to ‘find myself’. Not that I realized it yet, at that time. So the ‘excuse’ I gave at that time was, I’m gonna get myself a driving license and a proper transportation so I could extend my future choices and possibilities. That’s kinda silly excuse though. Many won’t quit for that reason. But they knew I was determined with my own decision, so they didn't stop me. And yeah, it was all an excuse.

I was jobless in the next four months. I laid on my back, watching drama series and movies on my laptop all day long in the first month. I haven’t got the chance to do so after I’m back in the country because I get hired to the company in two weeks after being home. I was restless in that two weeks. So I took the revenge to enjoy the nothing-to-do and nothing-to-worry-about days. And later, when I started going to driving school and on training for getting the license, I realized the other thing that I wasn't know about me all these years. My instructor seemed to be a very strict person but yeah, all his doings will only appeared as another ‘excuses’ from me so I decided to keep my mouth shut. Until I completed the course but can’t really drive. What the hell, huh? 

There were supposed to be a 2 hours pre-training. In this two hours, your instructor was supposed to identify your level and skill of driving. Me? I got zero. I never even sat in the driver seat for my entirely life in previous. Completely knowledge-less, more like I've ignored all the driving related in all my life so far. Because I never even dreamed myself to drive a car. Can you imagine that? Yeah well. Just consider that’s the other odd side of me. But my instructor didn't even care to know about that and I've tried to tell him so, but I was ignored. Tiny matter, it seemed to him and to others. Yeah, why on earth should I rely only onto the instructor while others actually taught to drive by their daddy, their elder brother, their boyfriend? I have none. No one was there to teach me how to drive and I got no car at home to crash and crack its mirror or scratch its body. I’m totally hopeless. And I began to realize that when it enters the fifth hour, out of ten in the real training session. I was scared like hell when the instructor brought us into the middle of the town at the peak of rush hour while I can’t hardly control the accelerator, brake and gears. 

Well, nobody really cared of how scared I was. Nobody even asked why. Yeah, I bet they assumed it’s ‘normal’. I’d really like them to define ‘normal’ for me. I involved in four traffic accidents, three with material damage and final one that sent me to Emergency and Trauma ward, with fractured bone on the wrist. I was scared to be in front of the steering. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. The thumping, they were so loud, almost louder than the shrieking voice of my instructor. The best that he could do is say ‘Don’t be scared. Just follow what I said’. Yeah, I did try to follow, but I didn’t trust his judgment since I’m the one who’s driving here.

And yeah for fun, he likes to delay our driving session. It’s like my session will start at 9.20 when it was supposed to be 9.00 and it ended at 9.55 when it supposed to end at 10.00. Time management issues? I got to touch the steering only once in a week and then I got like 40 minutes? I can’t finish one round of a playground for kids in that period, you know. But I was still, quiet. Still, keeping everything to myself. I didn’t even write that in my diary. There were a couple of times when my instructor even snoring in the passenger seat while I just go round and round and round in the same route. Obviously I got the wrong instructor, or maybe I was wrong not to tell anybody. Apparently, I paid half of my salary for nothing.

I ended up suggested to take ‘extra’ driving session after those so called 10-hour-training finished (more like just ten times, in ten weeks, not really the hours counted). With the same instructor, same method. For what? I seriously doubt it, so I told my dad I want to quit. We made an ‘excuse’ that I got a job in other area and I will continue my driving lesson there. I didn’t lie about the job but deep down inside I know I lied about the driving. I haven’t figured that extreme scared feeling I had was actually the symptoms of driving phobia. And trust me when I say, many many of us underestimated the word ‘phobia’.

Well, I got hired. Again. This time I was in a smaller and less hustle, less bustled lifestyle city. And my job field is totally new, though I will be in the same working environment (I mean the field of industry) again. I‘ve got to work directly with Japanese, again. That’s the one thing I loved the most actually. No, not about being surrounded by the Japanese, it’s the opportunity it gave me to keep making the full use of my Japanese that I’m talking about. It’s the language that I learned with full of difficulties, I suffered so much and came way too far for this, I don’t want to let it go just that easy. My bosses were cool, kind-hearted persons. And everyone else too. But well, you know you can’t expect everything to be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. I was caught in a trouble and made a reputation due to that as soon as in the week two of working there. What a troublemaker I was huh? I thought so.

But then, it seems like not everyone enjoy my presence there. It was a small company with few hundred of workers with only dozens of staffs. You should know everybody in the building if you’re an extrovert that ‘expert’ to spin around, selling the words with the magic of persona and charm packaged in. But I wasn’t. I was hired as a junior executive because of my position is executively exists in the company, not that I am special or highly ranked. The ability to speak, write and understand Japanese in that small company is considered rare almost peculiar, especially to a local girl like me. Even more when they finally found out I was a Japan college graduate with B.E. There, you were like in the middle of people which overestimating and in the other, underestimating. Overestimating, because you’re a Japan graduate that can understand and speak Japanese very well (for those who’re not understand Japanese). Underestimating, because I had a B.E but positioned as personal translator and interpreter. So, after all people saw the work of translations and interpretations are easy that anyone could do it. Oh you think so? Then why the hell the company hires a translator while obviously they could use computer aided translator (CAT) or simply communicate with locals using signs and body languages, like all the time? Isn’t that cheaper? Because only those who understand how hard the translating can be, could understand how important the job is. Which, like just very few of them does.

I was invisible. And I like that. I literally worked with only one boss. But my network expands throughout the whole company because my boss holds sort of high position, important role in the company, at that time. Yeah, among those who are also high ranked, the local managers I mean. Words are the most important tool and you can’t get the job done without understanding what the hell are you doing everyday. I totally get it. The language isn’t the problem for me, but the contents of the job itself. I wasn’t familiar yet with everything and it’s like you heard taboo words in slang when it comes to the technical and job related terms, you know. I was having a hard time back then. Mechanical and technical never were my fields, not even I studied most of them in the college. Because my concentration was applied chemistry which has nothing to do with these technically automated machines. Not to mention that I always failed my Physics since in high school, I really really hate technical and machines. But I’ve got to do this. I love the job I’m doing – translating, means to let someone who speaks the same language as you, to understand the words of the others, who happened to only be understood by you. It’s an act of transferring information from one to another, that’s all. You do not change the meaning, you make it easier to understand. But on one condition, you have to understand that information by yourself first. It requires one more condition when it comes to interpreting. It’s not like you’re interpreting the daily lives dialogues when you can just shrink the information into keywords, you know. This is job, this is technical and mechanical we’re talking here. Unless I’m one of the veteran engineers in the company I bet I can outperform this heavy task, but I wasn’t.

Despite of all the pressures and tensions, I do really have had a good time with my boss. He’s full of humor and human sensitivity. He always got the way to make people smile even by just looking at him. He didn’t talk much but his signs and body languages made people burst into laughter. I talked quite a lot to him, especially when we transferred to other room and I happened to sit just next to him. I can tell that people across the room were listening and paying intention to us, even though they didn’t understand a word.

Of course there were times when we had a little misunderstandings and ended up quiet for a while but everything went back to normal after a couple of minutes passed. I don’t know, it’s like no hard feelings between us. No chances for me to hold grudges to a someone like him.

And you know, all good things usually don’t last long. And that wasn’t just a proverb or saying. Not just happened in fictional soaps or films. It did happen to me.

Oh yeah. That’s just very tiny little part of the life I lived as I entered my second job. Apart from the work scene, there wasn’t huge difference from the previous job. I still have limited access to everywhere I wanted to go because I don’t have my own wheels and can’t literally go on foot either. I mean I would if this is Japan, but considering the security and safety, the major factors that we don’t really have here in this beloved country, I won’t dare to go for a walk in the ‘foreign’ city. I still do in my hometown city, though. I stayed in a rented house, shared with couple girls who worked in the same company. They’re operators, yes they are. As previous, I loved to be alone, locked up in my room. Especially after work. Seriously, that’s the time I need to be alone. I’ll talk to my housemates when I feel like to. On weekends, I’ll go buy some groceries from the nearby stores or sometimes took a cab to the nearest hypermarket. Sometimes I ended up in a cinema with a friend from the other company and settled my meals outside and came back home just for shower and sleep. Oh, I actually quite enjoy it. 

Yeah, please don’t misunderstand us introverts loved to be locked up in our room 24/7. We enjoy being outdoors too, you know. But since we only open up mostly to only our closest friends and trusted buddies, that doesn’t mean we have to stay put and shut from the world. We know how to have fun, enjoy and socialize, just our definition of ‘socializing’ is too far different from yours. I don’t have curfew to be home before midnight. I remembered watching midnight movie and be home in 3 in the morning. I also remembered viewing the colorful city lights and enjoying the night breeze while eye-bathing in the illuminations by the river and only home when I could hardly had my eyes open. But if you expect me to be in karaoke box, singing my voice out with few boys in front of me being my audience, you got the wrong person. That is not me. I never did that in Japan back then, so why should I now? Hanging out with boys is totally not me. Not even for study group in my school-hood. Anti-men? Yeah, I was. When I say I was, that means the past. Now I do not hold the hatred toward boys or men, but I simply don’t hang out with them. I’d rather go alone if I’m too desperate to be out of my room or I’d rather spend my entire day lying on my bed, finishing the new book I bought or re-watch my favorite movie for like, the hundredth times. Now that, is me.

I don’t hang out with boys outside of the house, so I don’t bring them back to be inside the house. No way to my room. But apparently, some did. And some think I don’t mind about it, since my selling status is ‘being abroad, in a wholly non-Islamic country, out of parents reach, have freedom to do anything I like in the observant of others or not’. I’m sorry, I don’t do those kind of things. If you think I’m wild, yeah I’m wild enough compared to those who’re seemed to be quiet, feminine and all graceful girls. I don’t have to be all feminine and graceful on the surface to be a good one. And I won’t judge you either. But when you let your boyfriends entered my house after the sun totally set, and later you let your so called male relatives to seek shelter in my presence, that’s totally cracked me up. Who the hell told ya, that you can let a guy sleep under one roof in the house that is shared by all unmarried girls? Even that guy is your biogenetic father, you should know the rule. If I was that guy, I will go sleep at the mosque. If police comes to arrest me, I’d tell the truth, that I’m a traveler, got no money in my pocket, hence no place to stop and lay rest for the night so the house of God is the only chance. I won’t be saying this if I haven’t done any of this. Yeah, I did. I stayed in prayer room while waiting for the morning bus when I was on travel you know. Just one night, besides it’d be easy for you to get up in the morning and catching up the bus. You’ll wake up upon hearing the call for prayers and rushed to pray. But not these men. They’re taking advantages of these girls. And the girls simply let them be taken advantage of these men. Oh it’s not like I’m paranoid of men, you know. But if you took my crap philosophy as an act of paranoia, then you’re saying that the rule made by God is paranoid, or the God himself is. While the truth is, you’re just denying the truth. And the God and His Rule is always fair, fair to everyone. You made it unfair to others, though.

Yeah, I suffered of the different ‘perception’ I shared with my housemates at that time. There are many many times I wished I could get myself out of there and simply get a hold on to a new life-at-home. But I was wrong. Wrong, for not telling that I hate what they’re doing and pretend like I don’t mind. And for this one time, I finally spoke up. And the guy vanished like a smoke into thin air. Later I was told that this guy was kind of ‘hurt’ of me ‘chasing’ him out of the house. What? I was like giving a big loud F word at that time, but I still got myself in control. There’s no point giving preaches to these people. They aren’t listening, not to me, but to what the religion says. Oh I don’t have to tell you what religion or belief you need to be in to consider what is good or what is bad. Even my Chinese neighbor knows it’s bad to bring back guys to sleep at home full of unmarried young girls. Oh, well. I’m wounded, deeply. But I didn’t do anything wrong did I? First, I didn’t mock the guy in front of the girls, I didn’t shout or yell at him, I didn’t embarrass him. I spoke to the girl who was ‘responsible’ for letting the guy in, gently, no anger and everything was as just a small talk between housemates.

Yeah well, the guy’s out for once. And I wasn’t sure if the same ever came back when I’m not home. Because, after few months passed, I happened to see another guy coming in and out. Just, this one tried to be not so obviously ‘exist’ except on weekends. But this one is much more dangerous. What if you went to the bathroom in the middle of the night to find out that the guy is actually in the living room, which is just like 5 meters from you? Gosh. My patience has limits. And it almost got there.

In the meantime, my boss suddenly got ill and under the persuasion and the suggestion from one of the bosses, he was sent back for detailed medical checkups and treatment in Japan. I don’t know why, but my intuition said that he’s not gonna come back to the chair he’s sitting in now anymore, in the very moment I heard the news. I don’t know. I hate my intuition. I hate it that my intuition has made me lost. I wander in my mind. The thousands of ‘What if’ keep coming in, one after another. I wasn’t sure what awaits me in the end, because I can’t see an end, yet. But one thing for sure, the darkness awaits when the end finally arrives. I don’t know, my intuition keeps telling me so. I know I shouldn’t predict future, I wasn’t a fortune teller, never good at guessing either. But the situations couldn’t keep me calm. I was bothered the whole time. Then the hints were given. Slowly, one after another approaching. Like I didn’t hear it, like I didn’t see it, I continued my working life and miserable life-at-home for another year.

Guess what? The thing I feared the most is actually happened. I don’t want to be a coward, but you know, nobody else knew you as best as you, yourself. I knew I can’t give my all, can’t give my best if I was there, but I still gotta do it, I got no option. Like it or not, by force or by will, life just went as others planned it for me. And I was dragged, flown. And then, the feelings that I thought I have forgotten came back. The feelings that I have after two weeks got employed in the first company I worked for, came, again. I was melancholic when I’m home. Few times I was attacked by the unusual headaches, which all turned out to be the outcome of over-thinking, simply put, stress. No, the doctor should put ‘depression’ under the medical certificate description, but the term is way too dramatic for these people here, I bet. Laugh if you want, but I did swallow anti-depression pills, once, when I was in college. No, I wasn’t out of my mind yet, still have the sanity inside me, just the over-thinking about the future got me so depressed that it hurts all the neurons in me. So the doctor he’s simply have to drug me, inactivate the limbic system that’d left me no choice rather than to think of nothing but shut my eyes and fall into sleep. There’ll be no different if I’ve been awake, it’s like I’m in the different world, unconscious.

When I realized those pills were anti-depressant, I stopped taking and throw them all away. Yeah, only after I found my ‘new treatment’ - talk to someone who really gets you. Simply bursting your problems to just anybody won’t help but worsen. Finally I learned that lesson. Because, one, not everyone can put themselves in your shoes. Two, some of them thought it’s just minor, tiny little things that happen to everyone. Oh come on, everyone do think of their future, but how many of them got that turned into depression? Not everyone, right? It won’t be normal if it’s not happening to anyone. Same to phobia. Depression and phobia, they’re somewhat similar. Stress, everyone can feel this way. Scared, yeah, this one too. But depression and phobia? It’s like a new level, much heightened from the ‘stress’ & ‘scared’ you know. If only our world-class psychologists could measure how many Pascals inside the brain of a person suffering depression and phobia to make them feel that way, maybe we could solve the issue. But no medicine no treatment could completely heal these two, believe it or not, until today. Yeah, I should read more. There might be new updates on that.

The point is, I was lost back then. I don’t know who am I gonna talk to about this mind-disturbing thoughts I have. I cried and cried in my prayers until my tears dried, and I fell asleep due to the weariness of crying. My back of the head is painful in the morning, that sometimes I feel that it’d be much less painful if I hit it with a stone or a rock. Guess that’s how painful it is for migraine. Unfortunately mine is the outcome of depression.

I ended up assigned into new department, new task, new job field. I’m not supposed to have my own desk or chair because most of the time I’d be, away. Then there were times when I actually thought it’d be better if I could separate my two hands, my two legs, my eyes, my ears and my brain while being alive so I can be ‘everywhere’ at the same time. My new job wasn’t easy. Yeah I wasn’t new in the company but I was new in the department, people would hesitate and so do I. But I don’t even have time for someone coaching me, everything just went as it goes. There’s no throw and catch game here, the ball keeps floating in the air, waiting for the gravity to pull it down. That’s how I did. I don’t know how’s the reception and I don’t really care about the progress, I just did what I have to. I no longer care about what people say or look or take it. Until the very last working day of mine in that company. 

Yeah I hate it that I have to write the resignation letter again. And I also hate the fact that I have to tell the reason of quitting to everyone else, again. Somewhere, I had to ‘lie’ again. I could just take back the letter and said I’ve changed my mind after the ‘counseling’ done by my superior but I guess it’d made no different. I wasn’t quitting for chasing the new job, it’s just I see myself no longer in there. After all I wasn’t changed a bit since I left my first job. Yeah, perhaps. But what did I tell the others? I have finally found the thing I wanted to do. I told them the rough plans I drafted in my mind and it wasn’t a lie actually. I felt nothing until the very last day approached.

On that serene morning, I was no longer in my uniform and my casual blouse appearance attracted the attentions from all of the people around. Many still didn’t know about me quitting, which is what I intended to do in the first place. There was no big farewell party held in a hotel restaurant organized by the usual members, only a small one from those who’re sharing the same office room as me. Well, honestly I didn’t expect people to give me farewell, because I literally invisible for the past year and only learned to be known by like, one-third of the staffs after my transfer. And that’s because my new task that lasted only a month required me to move around the company, from my desk to the store. One or two of each section will definitely came across my path and once or twice, I would have smiled at or spoke with, that’s all.

But even I’m no longer wearing my uniform and it was my last day, it doesn’t mean I could go in late and wander around the company as I like. I was busy as hell since morning, I did what I have to, listed down and arrange what I need to do on that day. I still need to go to the store and disappeared from my desk a lot. During the coffee break at 10.00, closest buddies arranged for the ‘last breakfast together’ session and treated me nice foods. I was touched, really. But not as touched as when one of the longest Japanese bosses I’ve known in the company, among the closest one to me, came to my side and personally gave me his last words. I wasn’t really emotional or sad when he asked me to treasure myself because that’s the most valuable ‘investment’ one have for his/her entire life. But then he sent me an email. He wrote almost the same thing as he said, but I don’t know, his written words ‘kicked’ more than spoken words. Tears pooling inside my eyes and I tried to suppress it as hard as I could. I ran to the bathroom when I felt the tears I held have betrayed me and soon to rolling down my cheeks. Nobody saw that moment, I guess. But that’s the one thing that made me finally realized that, it’s my final day. There’ll be no tomorrow for me here. And I’ll be no longer seeing these people, no longer sitting here, no longer be part of this company. The only thing that made me feels sad on that day. Then, three minutes before the end of the day, I received a call from my former-boss-now-in-Japan, greeted me farewell, thanked my service and asked me to keep in touch though we will be no longer superior-subordinate. The call was short but I still remembered his every word and every tone, crystal clear. I received some gift probably an appreciation gift for my short service from the current superior, which I totally didn’t expect at all. They all made my final day somewhat memorable. A bitter-sweet one, indeed.

Well, I missed myself being a translator. I missed talking to my former boss, though when I recalled it carefully, I wasn’t that helpful either. Yeah, psychologists say, introverts have high tendencies to blame themselves, feeling guilty of what they did even when the fault isn’t theirs at all. I wasn’t sure if the feeling that I actually have a room to improve being a translator is just due to that introverted trait. I still remembered on how hideous I felt on my own performance during the quarter presentation where the Board of Directors from Japan came and sit in the same room as us. Apparently I am no good at speaking in front of people, especially those elites and high-level ones, even though I was just interpreting their words. I could hardly hear my own voice, the words weren’t coming and I’m always blanked. I could have just made up few lines from the keyword but you know I’m not that type of person. Call me naïve or what you want, but obviously, speaking in front of the public was never my thing. Plus, you didn’t know what’ll come and everything was supposed to be spontaneous. I messed up real bad and I was so ashamed of myself that I almost cried and ran away from that room, but I wasn’t. I stayed until the whole session finished and I can’t wait to get myself into the bathroom, yelling, screaming, crying as hard as I could. But again, none of that actually happened. Because I was in the company, I wasn’t home. I was so frustrated, so devastated that I had no one to turn to. Most of the male staffs will just act like nothing happened and treated what’s done is done. But the guilty feeling lingered in me. It’s strong and unwilling to leave.

No doubt that an introvert will definitely feel that way but I haven’t figured that myself, yet. Only God knew on how I felt that day, on how I can’t wait to get home right after that presentation, shut my eyes closed and let all the scenes that continuously played on my head gone into the wind. I need to recharge, I was exhausted, almost breathless. I feel like I’m suffocated in the office room that filled with people that can’t stop talking. For once I felt like this room was too small for all of us to fit in. I need air, space and silence. But apparently there’s not one single place in this company could offer me that and I suffered most tragically in the next few hours.

Nobody really gets that feeling, I know. I didn’t know the reason myself too, back then. But I kept moving on and now, I wasn’t in the company anymore. You see I struggled to fight with myself, with my own personality, to figure what is wrong with me being so different from others. People simply say, you need practice, you gotta keep trying and one day you’ll be there. It’s true, perhaps with more vigorous trainings and constant exposures, I won’t be scared to speak or be in public anymore. And I won’t have the stage fright anymore. Well, it’s just the possibility. It might, but no guarantee that I will be. That’s why I still have the regret for not having the chance to prove it but ended up transferred to different department. Well, honestly they were plenty of chances for me to skill up in communication skills in the new department. I need to take calls from our clients which sometimes so demanding and keep asking for things that weren’t exist. Seriously I hate to create ‘stories’. I love to write fictions but not in this type of business. Making up things, giving sweet little white lies, cover up things – I feel disgusted at myself to have to do all these things. And yeah, you should know, that in this business world, these things are considered normal. And too bad that I’m still can’t fit in myself to that kind of ‘normal’, because after all they were too ‘abnormal’ to me.

I will ponder and think almost too much when a new job opportunity came with ‘able to communicate and liaise with vendors / suppliers / external bodies’ or able to ‘keep calm under challenging and demanding situations’ or able to ‘perform well in meeting tight schedules’. I mean I could try for the millionth times because I did try in the past and I successfully failed. Yeah, I’m the odd. And employers surely want these qualities in their workers – the qualities that much easier found in extroverts. The pure extroverts excelled and if they’re in the sky, I’m actually buried six feet in the underground.

Yeah, “if you don’t take it, you’re gonna lose it”, “great opportunity doesn’t come twice”, that’s what they say and I kept hearing the same words. As if I never learnt the lesson and I never did know what am I doing. Well I was, when I keep trying to blend in by joining the crowd. But obviously I’m just too sticking out of others and ended up been out of place. That’s how I feel, though.

You see, I lived a very simple life and I never wanted more than just a peaceful, calm and quiet life. Not a luxurious, world-famous one. People gonna blame, that this tiny vision of mine is the one kept me ‘out of real life’. You know, I define real life is the life you wanted to live, not others. I respect others’ perspective and their own personal way of describing their perfect, dreamed, ideal, optimum way of living on earth, on how they’re gonna spend their entire life, on with who they’re gonna be happy with or where they wanna settled in. I just expect they’d respect mine, not more than that. I won’t pretend like I understand your life, because at times I find it’s hard to understand mine too.

But when people being judgmental or trying to compare mine with their way of visioning their perfect lives through their lens, it drives me mad. You know I won’t simply told anybody about anything of my life when I don’t feel it’s unnecessary to do so.

When I was allocated out of town for my first job, what do I brought with me? A pillow, a water boiler, a table fan, a laptop and few casual tees and pants. The summary of my monthly expenses will go like this: I paid around RM20 for the utilities and rental (because it’s been shared among 12 of us) and spent around one-six of my salary for food and about one-ten for transportations (usually to go back to my hometown, for like, once in two weeks at most frequent). And when I moved to other town for second job, I was given an empty room. I hung my clothes on the curtain rails, I keep them in my luggage. No closet. Yeah, easy to run away if I need to. Hand-wash laundry on Saturday mornings. I could wash the whole house if you want me to, with one condition. Get my headphone on and let the dozens of my favorite mp3s rocked my ears and soul. No loud music on hi-fi or sound system, uh uh. Seriously, it’s a noise pollution, trouble to the neighbors. I have one exact sandal to go to work, one slipper to wear inside the house. My foldable mattress, which never been folded at that time, was my sofa and chair. My all-in-one information source, entertaining and work equipment, that is my beloved laptop is always beside me. Usually took my meal and drinks in front of it. No makeup table, no dining table, no side table, no study table. Everything is on the floor. I tidied them up once in a week. After all I spent only 40 hours a week at home, which mostly for sleep, the rest is at workplace. Why bother to have crystal jars or expensive sofa, as long as I won’t stumble upon my stuffs or I won’t be sneezing all day long due to the piling dust, I considered my room is neat and clean. Yeah, 100% private property of mine, no visitors allowed. Guess that’s why I got 70% male and 30% female ratio on one gender test I took. Now you see why, didn’t you?

Point is, you live the life you want. Everyone has this dark or grey side of them, I believed so. I have mine too. I’m a human, ordinary, flawed, all the time. Give me some space to be normal human, will ya? Nope, the odd normal human, yeah, that’s better.

And, after I said goodbye to my second job, what did exactly I do? Oh I struggled. Nah, not to make sure the ka-ching stays in my pocket. They’ll flow in and out as needed. Let them be. I struggled to find myself. I find it’s truly crucial this time. And it might be the most perfect time to do so. People asked and they will ask, from time to time. I can’t shut their mouths and I don’t expect every single of them to understand me when I tell the truth of my stories. You see, people choose what they want to believe in to, including me. So let there be some liberty to how people think and see things, shall we?

I spent the first two months resting, lying on the floor, in front of my laptops, thinking of nothing. It’s good to catch up with Mom and the gossips in town after two years being away. I’m like an alien when I wandered around this city. Or the city looks like an alien to me. It’s either way round. Yeah, totally it was no longer a suburban. No sense of suburban-ish left. Hypermarkets built here and there, born and raised like new babies. Hardly found people on the non-automated wheels, even kids are on motorcycles. Wow. I never knew the people of our city are so rich. New buildings up, old buildings down. One person dies, ten babies born. Yeah, life’s like that. Keep on moving. Keep on changing.

What’s not then? Me. I haven’t figured it out what I want, yet. Can’t picture where am I gonna be in the next day. How am I gonna ended up and who am I gonna be.

It’s almost a coincidence when I found out on translation course held by one government supported institution. After three months been living in the small world of my home city, it’s really nice to see how’s the world out there and meet the new kind of people, sharing and discussing new thoughts, new perspective. It’s like travelling to a new place, which basically I did travel from my place to there, every single week, without fail. It’s awesomely tiring and exhausting, but I had no idea where that I get the motivation to keep my excellent attendance until the end. Perhaps because I do have marvelous friends there, who are all very positive and open minded. You know the saying, you can be positive too when surrounded by positive people and I totally agree with that.

After 2 months, I’m finally graduated from the short course. Two months later the official certificate arrived at my letter box and I’m pretty sure I made Mom proud of my achievement in it. Yeah, it’s sooner than I thought, to realize that it’ll be just another certificate to be added into the piles. Just another paper, when you can’t really prove to the world, that you can offer more than the existing.

Do I sound like I’ve regretted it? Yeah I was, for a couple months before I found out there’s nothing much I could offer by ‘selling’ the certificate. It turns up that there are hundreds maybe thousands out there with the same qualification. After all, it plays the same role as your degree scroll, you know. I cursed myself for the foolish hope and thought I held in the first place. Why on earth it’d be easy for me? Why on earth should I believe people will simply give me a go every time I raise my hand? We’re not in the kindergarten anymore, dear self. We’re adults. Stop daydreaming. Stop acting childish. So for once again, I was lost. Lost, in finding myself.

Life isn’t easy. I know, I know. It never was, for me. And it is not, now. I do realize that, I need nobody to remind me of it on every single day. Then I went from scratch again. I did the self-analyze, self-evaluate on myself. Where did I go wrong? Am I too less or am I too lost?

Then I figured it out. I was not less than others. I was not comparable to others, to begin with. Because I’m different. There were few like me out there, which I’m very sure now, but we’re minority. People almost don’t see the minorities. People neglect us.

I am among those minorities that exist, live, in this world. The world that always keep looking for more, but not for odds. They lied everytime they say “we want something different”. No they don’t. They just want something more, that’s the truth.

Unless you can really turn out that different to be something huge, then only they will turn to you. And I guess that’s why in those supernatural fantasy series or science fiction movies they always made ‘the odd’ as the villain or treated in the way they’re not supposed to be, regardless of their original intention. Very few will tried to make people see it in the different way. Now I am the odd. The villain. There’s no place for me here. Uh huh.

Well I can’t make a promise that I will make you turn to me when finally the day, someday, that I made something huge came, in the future. I don’t brag. Never been so proud of myself either. I’d rather keep my head down low, hidden underneath my hood. I’m not trying to change the world or trying to change the way people see it either. I can’t change anything but me. But to change myself I need to know myself first. Now I knew. I’m the odd and I’m not supposed to change in order to fit in to the ‘normal’. I just have to embrace it and think of something, anything I could do while being myself and look for the possibilities to be a part of the world, again. But this time I won’t fret to leave the mark, my mark. Should’ve let the world know, it’s time for them to look for the different, not only more. Well, with the God wills, may I survive this journey of finding myself (trust me I haven’t done with it) and be true to who I am.