Heart of Glass Pt. 2 - Because I'm an Only Child

"You see things. And you understand. You're a wallflower." - Patrick
"I don't think anyone noticed me." - Charlie 
"Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys." - Sam

Okay. Above is quoted from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I'm not going to review this film nor not going to talk about it here. Just, I watched it once last year then somehow when I browsed my hard disk today, out of hundred films I have in my storage, I picked this one up.

Yeah. Like the main character of the film Charlie, I'm used to being alone all the time, loves to write more than speak. I am a wallflower. Well, I prefer to be one - regardless of how people view me. Regardless of how people say about me. And recently I learned a new word people use to describe me for being, 'doesn't pay much to people's words as long as you're happy with your life' – ‘self-centered’.

You know what, I don't think me being 'self-centered' contradicts of me being 'over-thinker'. In fact, 'self-centered' and 'self-respect' are the same thing with different expression. I'm sorry if I'm the one being confused here. The same goes to 'over-thinker' and 'deep-thinker', just let me try the remix - I'm thinking deep over one thing, over and over again, way over than you. Then when I'm over you, it means, over.

So, what up? I finally got a permanent job, after one and a half year freelancing. Technically I'm living with no earnings but spending my own savings. I'm an only child living with my mother - now in her 70s - since I was 9. In case you're wondering my father whereabouts, I guess he's doing fine, somewhere. We haven't met each other for more than a year. Nah, don't be surprised. We weren't living under one roof for more than 2 decades already and I should still be grateful I have his contact number in my phone. Basically I stopped receiving money from my parents at 16, started living with my own money since 18 (my scholarship) and started giving money to mom since 19. I recognized no men in my life to be called a true father (sorry to say this).

Well, back to the story. I got a new job, to be starting soon. Not much to be proud of, no titles, no huge figures, no branded company, no dorky uniform to show off... nothing. But it's within 5 km radius of my house, I could cycle to work everyday if I want to. In fact if I'm in Japan now, I'd walk to office everyday. Yeah, Japan. That's the word that cause too much pains in my life so far but I never hated Japan nor Japanese, not a slightest bit. In fact, I'm grateful towards the opportunity given to me to be in Japan & study and meet Japanese in my life have taught me to be closer to The Creator. Perhaps, those 5 years were the best gift of time He ever granted me through hardships and troubles.

And now, people are using that word 'Japan' to curse me.

"What's the purpose of studying in Japan if you came back and became a factory worker?"

I got this one all the time. As you can see, the word Japan is in this sentence. One sentence. Just one. But do you have any idea how much this one sentence could hurt? Not one person, not just me, but many?

One look you see people put so much expectations in you in this sentence. But in the other, you see people trying to bring you down. At the same time, they're also belittling your effort to make a living, together with others the so-called 'factory worker'.

During the one and a half year me freelancing, or what they call 'freeter' or 'jobless', they're the ones who keep telling me to find 'job'. Any kind of 'job'. As long as I'm not home, go back and forth, they consider it 'job'. Hitting keys on keyboard of my laptop never convinced them as 'job'. Thus I was told to go to convenience store, restaurant or any, any at all... as long as I could get a 'job' (read : money). Did you see the issue here?

First, people will always contradict you, and also, their own words. At first they're the one who told you to choose A. But when you did, they blamed you for choosing A. Instead, they asked you to go to B. When you finally gave up on A and shifted to B, some suggests you to move to C while others slapped your face and ask you to back to A.

You will never satisfy nor please people with your life choice. There'll be always ones to go against you.

They are the ones who said life is about choice. They are the ones who said to be choose it wisely. Now, aren't they actually controlling your choice? Forcing you to choose according to what they want, not your needs?

Okay. So what made me choose to live in this god-forsaken town anyway? Because I'm the only child. I have no siblings, not even a father to take care of my mother. I do left my home and country to study abroad once, but during those time everything's still in control. Mother was fine. She was. Until I am back few years later.

You see, things, situations, mother and me have changed but the people I'm surrounded with. Their mentalities.

I was asked this question few weeks ago,

"So you actually want to go far(ther) if you had siblings or anyone to take care of your mom?" Yes, I do. But I don't have anyone. Not even one that I can rely that much, now.

This burden I carry, not on my shoulders, not on my back, not in my arms.... but in heart and mind. Many are willing to see, many are willing to speak, but very few are willing to share. I used to run away for myself, not this time. Not anymore. May I have the strength to hold on till the very end for now I do have reasons, for I do have visions to what I'm doing right now. Though my reasons are excuses to them, though my visions are illusions to them. May You ease my journey. May You give me peace at heart and mind.