Tuition & Me

Heart of Glass Pt. 1―Tuition & Me

Few days ago, my neighbor came to my house and asked if I could help her daughter with subjects of Add Math, Chem & Physics. This isn't the first time she brought her daughter to me. She, now the lovely sweet 16 came to me few times last year for tutoring in Mathematics (form 3). I accepted because I'm still freelancing, means I do all sort of jobs - even without payment. Plus, it won't hurt to help others if it's within your strength, right?

Honestly, I was never good at any Science related field - seriously I am not, though I am graduated with Engineering degree - but I'm comparatively slow, lack of analytical skills and my grades were always on the line, one miss I'd slip into FAILED zone.

Yep. I've been there in the FAILED zone, for so many times. High school Math / Chem / Phys were still heaven to me but in the pre-college, one never missed see me taking repeat tests for Math & Phys. That's the picture how I messed up real bad in my studies. Well I know how stupid I am but since teachers around me never gave up on me at that time, I guess I have no other choice than to keep trying.

I still remember my Physics teacher, Mr. Kanno in my pre-college program. On that evening, the day before our big exam that determines either we're going to fly to Japan or not, he came to my desk, kneeling while resting his chin on the edge of my desk and said,

"You know, Physics is not that difficult. What makes it harder for you is because you think it's difficult. Think Physics is easy, have faith that you've done your best so far, everything's gonna be ok."

For someone who barely knew what I've been through to get to where I was at that time, to say these kinds of words, he'd definitely made me tear. I remembered suppressing myself from crying all the way walking back to my dorm. He knew what I had in my mind. He knew I'm scared that I'm going to fail in that big exam. He knew I'm scared that if I failed this time, there's no repeat exam anymore, and I can't fly to Japan like others because I've failed Physics.

It's not going to be the first time I fail, if I failed. I'm used to failure like, the whole high school. But what makes me feel so vulnerable and lost self-confidence in me was because, I know how big the anticipation they put on me compared to high school kingdom.

I started from the underground. I'm not even on the ground to begin with. Nobody recognized me until I started to gain many A's in the PMR slip. And PMR was the ground. Before that I was somewhere beneath, in the dirt. Almost fall in the 不良生徒. Yeah, you're not gonna believe it aren't you? Unfortunately, either you believe it or not, that's part of me. Time flies, it's now the past, but still, me.

So, PMR was flying colors. Then SPM. I had issues. In fact, all of us in my class had issues. Our Add Math teacher always on the run for programming our school database system. Our Physics teacher as one of students' advisors, mainly handling discipline issues always missing to chase after students' problems. I can't remember it well, but as far as I do, our Add Math teacher been in class less than 5 times per year, sometimes left early or in the middle. Our Physics teacher, almost everytime late. Like 30 minutes late. And when he came in late, you know something's went wrong and will continue going wrong in the next hour. We ended not studying the lesson for both subjects. Our academic results are really disappointing until we all took our own efforts - go for tuition outside school.

I did. At first, I took Add Math & Physics classes. Two subjects' tuitions cost me 4 days afterschool. That's not really an issue. All I need is to make sure they're not overlapping so I can take both. But later, I need to cancel either one. One subject costs RM25 (this was the rate for 14 years ago for 2 times per week, 120 minutes per session). Two subjects, RM50. Yeah cheap right? No, not for me.

I have allowance/scholarship provided by Biasiswa Kecil Anak-anak Persekutuan Perak (BKPP) for RM600 per year, but it doesn't mean I can spend the whole money on tuition. Basically, I'm living with RM50 per month, for, EVERYTHING. Food, clothes, school expenses... everything. Now can you imagine that? Can you? Try. It's totally impossible to ask someone to spend ONLY RM50 for everything for a month, now, in 2015. I know. But try imagining that in 14 years ago. Still too little, huh? Yeah, but as you see me now - I survived. Praise to God. Praise to God.

So, I dropped Physics tuition because I can't afford to pay its fee. It's sad, almost heart-wrenching to see other students are having their session when I'm passing the door of the class. I really want to join them, but who'll let you in if you can't pay? Not gonna cry in front of the tutor and beg him to let you in like in those cheap dramas are you? Not gonna blurt out your financial issues so that his sympathy will work? That's never happened in reality, sweetie. That's why I hate fictions in the first place. Yeah, world was cruel and it still is.

Never mind. I did what I can. Somehow I passed my Physics paper in SPM, probably with luck and blessings. I did pass my Physics paper in that big exam in pre-college too, after million of repeat tests. And I did pass several other similar tough papers in college too, after undergo the same 'torments', again and again.

Now, when I stand on the side of helping others with their studies, it reminds me of those days. Those painful days. I barely had money to buy food, who am I kidding to pay tuition fees? My reference books were all from my teachers - you know distributors will give 'teacher's edition' for free to school, right? And some teachers simply do not need those, so they give it to me. Some other teacher secretly paid my examination fees. If not, I can't even sit SPM and all those pains I've been through will just become vain. Our younger brothers and sisters nowadays are very lucky they don't have to pay exam fee anymore. Besides, nowadays knowledge is like at your fingertips. However the issue is still money, along with your will, courage, confidence and a bit of luck.